Mother part 1

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:31:15 -0400

All my young life I feared and idolized my mother.
I starved for her attention. I yearned to be worthy of her love.

It would be no exaggeration to say that she once owned me, and I enjoyed to be used by her. I was always diving deeper and deeper into depravity for that single, mocking smile on her face that showed that I had pleased her.

And I am still sorry. Sorry that my failings turned her so wicked, that my desperation only fed her sadism until it consumed her whole. Alexsei would tell me I am wrong to blame myself, and sometimes I believe him. But sometimes I do not.

There is so much to tell about my beloved, cursed mother.Sydrea do'Valis. Second daughter of the twenty-second generation of Valis. Her elder sister, Ysvara, carried the Valis name, while she herself was married into the military Linea Reshar. I am her first daughter, and she meant me to be given back to Linea Valis, so that her lineage would remain within her matriarchal line.

I believe she always resented Ysvara for the coveted position of First Daughter, and so hoped in some way to undermine her power through me. But I fear I proved to be a failure in this endeavor. I lacked ambition. I was too nurturing, too weak.

She despised me, and through her hate I learned how thoroughly I could hate myself.

I was born with the talent of Vespera, known commonly as 'empathic healing'. It is never learned; it is a part of the blood -- or as Mother would say, a reprehensible flaw. It manifested in me very young, yet for many years my parents would deny my empathic ability, exposing me to concentrated emotional stimuli. They forced me to watch moments of extreme fear, extreme pleasure, extreme trauma. They ordered slaves raped, killed before my eyes, and punished me when I flinched, wept or retched at the backlash.

Perhaps Mother wished to force the weakness out of me. There were times I wished it could be so, that I could satisfy her urge to take pride in me. Vidran, however, did not derive pleasure from the experience as he thought it simply a necessity. A part of my education. He was always cold and stern, keeping a professional distance from his soldiers as much as his children.

I found out later that Mother found torturing me indescribably arousing. She said to me once, "You look so much like Ysvara." And yet Aunt Ysvara is pale and flaxen-haired, while Sydrea's sleek, scented hair is so, so dark. Dark like my own.

I do not like to think of what that means.

A little bit about me

Thu, 3 Jul 2008 06:45:28 -0400

I am Ryshassa do'Reshar, daughter of Sydrea do'Valis and Vidran Reshar.

I am of many worlds, a mirror of many selves scattered through the multiverse, but this is my first and true one: Eskarne, the fated planet.

I am a healer of the discipline of Vespera, which promotes the the empathic philosophy of "Understanding Pain." For us, healing is both hands-on and experienced very personally. Our patients' pain becomes our pain, and we bear such agony with pride and purpose.

Testing

Thu, 3 Jul 2008 06:30:50 -0400

Caduceus, begin bootstrap sequence.

Commencing.

...

.....

........Complete.

All systems healthy.

Memory integrity 100%.

*** CADUCEUS CURATORIS - LIVE ***

Welcome, Mistress Sophia. How may I be of service to you?

Please, Caduceus. I am Ryshassa Krauser in this life, and there is no need for honorific. I have much to for you to remember about my past... and my future.

Very well, Miss... Ryshassa. I will listen, and remember you well.

Caduceus Curatoris

Mother part 1

A little bit about me

Testing